Aquarius: Your good humor and selfless nature will be recognized this week. That coal you will find in your stocking Wednesday is just a joke. Probably.

Pisces:  The Ghost of Christmas Past will visit your home Wednesday morning. Not to give you a dire warning about how you treat your fellow man, but to illustrate that the box containing the Cool New Thing you bought your children is more fun to play with than the Cool New Thing itself.

Aries: Changing up a long-held tradition will put a smile on someone’s face this week. Given he travels around the world in one night and is given milk and cookies at an untold number of homes, Santa craves some variety. Santa wants a charcuterie board.

Taurus: A thoughtful act may have unintended consequences if you follow through. As cute as it would be for your kids to see Rudolph in your neighborhood, putting a lighted plastic nose on that deer you see walking down your street is a one-way ticket to the emergency room.

Gemini: An unexpected visitor will swing by your house Christmas Day. They will let you know that leaving snacks out for reindeer violates Green River’s ordinance prohibiting the feeding of deer within the city. They’ll also hand you a citation.

Cancer: Your brilliant idea will lead to a loss this week. Sneakily flying that drone Christmas Eve in the hopes of capturing video proof of Santa Claus will only lead to the crackpot down the street shooting it out of the sky as he’s under the impression the government is watching him. The thing is, he’s right. They bugged his coffee maker.

Leo: You will experience a Christmas miracle this week. Your teenager, who hasn’t looked up from their phone since before the COVID-19 pandemic, will actively engage with the family Christmas Day. Hiding the thing while they sleep is a great idea after all.

Virgo: Your attempt to earn fame and glory will not go well this week. Taking a shot at Rudolph because you want a one-of-a-kind mount above your fireplace will only lead to visits from a small army of angry six-year-olds, Santa’s friend Krampus, and scariest of all, the FAA.

Libra: Like young Icarus, you will fly too close to the sun this week. Attempting to deep fry a turducken for Christmas is culinary hubris on par with anything related to Salt Bae.

Scorpio: Living life on the edge will be the cause of a lot of misery this week. What do you mean you haven’t started your Christmas shopping yet? Are you trying to give yourself an ulcer?

Sagittarius: A little preparation will go a long way in avoiding a Christmas Day headache. If you’re gifting your family a new video game console for Christmas, sneakily install all the updates and any digital games beforehand to avoid dealing with overloaded servers Christmas Day. Yes, my column is usually dripping with sarcasm but that doesn’t mean I can’t give out an actual nugget of advice here and there.

Capricorn: A case of mistaken identity will cause some weirdness this week. That big red light hovering in the sky will land if you flag it down, but Santa will be looking a little thin and pale, and the less said about his little helpers, the better. Despite the awkwardness, they will enjoy the frosted sugar cookies you’ve set out.